Final Countdown/Transcript
Wanda Dollard: OK everybody, listen up. At midnight, Brent turns 40... Oscar Leroy: Typical. Wanda: And that's when I'll set the fireworks off. Which will be in 28 minutes. Lacey Burrows: So, you mean 12:02? Wanda: No, you're clock is wrong. Karen Pelly: You mean, 12:05? Wanda: No, 28 minutes from now. Well, 27 minutes and 56 seconds from now it'll be midnight according to the US Naval Observatory's Master Atomic Clock. So, everybody, synchronize your watches...now! Oscar: Now? Wanda: No, not now, then. Oscar: When? Wanda: Just then when it was now. Karen: Did you get that? Lacey: I stopped listening two nows ago. Hank Yarbo: So, does it feel weird being 40? Brent Leroy: I don't know, I'm not 40 yet. Hank: Yeah, but you're like 39 and 24 hours and 35 minutes old. Isn't that weird? Brent: Weird that you can't add? A little. Hank: I can add. It's, it's, it's, there's 60 seconds in a minute. And, uh, there's 60 hours in a...you're old is all I'm saying. I thought we were going to the Ruby? Brent: Nope. We're going to go pick up that special bottle of Scotch that I've been saving for my birthday. Hank: Oh, right, the Scotch. What Scotch? Brent: You know, 40 year old Scotch for my 40th birthday? Well, 20 year old Scotch that I bought 20 years ago, so...mathematically, very similar. Hank: Oh yeah, of course, the special 40 year old Scotch. Hey ah, when did you get the um, hey watch out for that dog! Brent: What dog? Fitzy Fitzgerald (phone): Hello. Davis Quinton (phone): We have a situation. There's a small shipment of consumer grade explosives set to go off in a densely populated area. Fitzy (phone): Brent's fireworks across the street? Davis (phone): Major fire hazard. We need a field team on it, right away. Fitzy (phone): Don't call the field hockey team. Again. Davis (phone): But they signed permission slips. Fitzy (phone): And not the football team. Davis (phone): They got their own helmets. Fitzy (phone): No. Davis (phone): Fine. If you won't back me, I'll find someone else who will. Kiefer Sutherland (phone): Hello. Davis (phone): We have a problem. We need to set up a perimeter. Kiefer Sutherland (phone): Who is this? Davis (phone): Isn't this the coach of the baseball team? Kiefer Sutherland (phone): No, you have the wrong number. This is Shirley Douglas' residence. Davis (phone): Really? Kiefer Sutherland (phone): Yes, I should know. She's my mother. Davis (phone): Your mother? You still live with your mother? How old are you? Kiefer Sutherland (phone): I'm hanging up now. Shirley Douglas: Kiefer, who was that? Kiefer Sutherland: Damn it, Mom! I told you to knock before you come in! Karen: Here, everyone has to sign this card for Brent. Wanda: we're all a little busy here. Karen: It's a pretty cute card. There's a frog and a duck on the front and then you open it up and the frog says, "Hoppy Birthday!" and the duck says, "Many quacky return...". You know what, I've said too much. Wanda: Sounds pretty racy. I'll sign it later. I've got fireworks to set off. Karen: Come sign this card. Hank: Uh, not now. Gotta talk to Lacey. Karen: Just sign it, it'll take five seconds. Hank: Fine. Um, hmm. Hey, you go first. Mertyl Runciman: OK. I'll have the meatloaf. Hank: Hey, I'm in a bind. Gimme all your 40 year old Scotch. Lacey: I don't have any. I've got some old cooking Sherry I use to catch flies. Hank: How old is it? Lacey: It's got flies. Hank: Brent's expecting to open a 40 year old bottle of Scotch at midnight and I think he might be disappointed. Hank: Hey, look what I found up in Brent's room, 20 year old Scotch! This stuff's primo! Jungle juice! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hank: He's probably gonna blame me for that. Lacey: Does Brent know about this? Hank: If Brent knew about this, he wouldn't be out in the middle of the road looking for a fake dog now, would he? Lacey: Are you on jungle juice now? Hank: I wish. Lacey: Hey, have the fireworks started? Karen: No, but Wanda's on fire. Wanda: Cough, cough, cough. Whew! Oscar: Nice work, Sparky. Wanda: Just testing fuse length. I have a good idea what's too short now. Oscar: You don't know what you're doing. Say hello to Dr. Boom. I used to be king of the fireworks in the neighbourhood. Oscar: Now hold still, son. Emma Leroy: Oscar, what are you doing?! Oscar: Getting Brent's kite. Oscar: It's hard to believe he's already 40. Wanda: Hard to believe he made it to 40. Lacey: Wow, that is a great looking cake. Emma: Chocolate, double chocolate with chocolate icing. I've been serving it to Brent for 39 years. Lacey: You fed Brent cake when he was one? Emma: Well, that's how we got him to walk. Lacey: Oh. Emma: How'd your slab cake turn out? Lacey: It's OK, I guess. The pumps don't look that great and Brent isn't quite to scale with the car but I was in a rush, so... Emma: Are you entering a contest or something? Lacey: Oh, pfft. This is just a backup cake. Did you notice that Brent is holding a little comic? Oscar: Here. Wanda: What are those? You trying to kill the Roadrunner? Oscar: Stole these when I opened Corner Gas. Good, old Chinese know-how. This one's called a "Flaming Monkey." Wanda: Think your monkey's dead. Oscar: Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wanda: Nice work, Oppenheimer, but I think I'll stick with mine. Oscar: Ah, it's just a bit damp. But you can always count on the good, old "Sky Cricket." It's a doozy. Wait for it. Davis: You're not waiting for anything. Wanda: Good timing, Davis. You take care of Oscar while I prep for the real show. Davis: You're not lighting anything either. I'm shutting these fireworks down. Oscar: Wait for it. Karen: How do you get your microwave to work? Lacey: You have to press "Cook" first. Karen: Oh. Brent: Hey, have you seen Hank? Lacey: Yeah, he was just in here looking for Scotch. I should tell you, he drank yours. Brent: No, he only thinks he did. But, I outsmarted Hank. Which isn't that hard I'll admit. But the point is, I know Hank to well and I always have. So, I bought two bottles of Scotch...so I bought three bottles of Scotch and I pretended to hide one in a place I knew Hank would find it. Then, I hid the real one in a safe place. Lacey: Why didn't you just fill an old bottle full of ice tea and save yourself the money? Brent: Where were you 20 years ago? Anyway, now I get to watch Hank squirm all night while I wait to drink that succulent Scotch. I can't imagine a better birthday present to myself. Lacey: Really? Not a car or a rare edition of some comic book, or... Brent: You mean like issue 181 of the Incredible Hulk? First appearance of Wolverine as Weapon X? Lacey: Yes, that is exactly the one I was thinking of. Davis: No permit, no fireworks. Now, if you can very gently carry them and very carefully place them in the trunk of the police car while I stand way over here, that'd be great. Wanda: Are you scared of fireworks? Davis: Pfft, no. More like you are. Oscar: Davis is a scared! Davis is a scared! Davis: I am not a scared. Oscar: Oh, oh, don't bring them too close! Might a scare the scaredy-cat! Wanda: Never mind him. Fireworks are perfectly safe in the right hands. Category:Transcripts